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 March 1 - 31, 2007

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Previous passing thoughts of a Pageminder

Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road
03.31.07 - 9:11 pm (CT)
I'm not a superstitious person, but I hesitate to mention this, because I don't want to jinx the deal, which really isn't a deal yet due to the fact that we're still in negotiations — oh, Jeane, just throw caution to the winds (of change) and just say it — I've made an offer on one of those small lake homes! It's one with a beautiful view, on a lake that I have always loved, a lake that has been calling me back ever since I left it.

I would have gone back a long time ago, but I had more than just me to consider, but now with the kids grown and no husband throwing away money on "dithering" and daytrading, well, I'm free to go wherever life takes me! If I'm lucky, real lucky, then this summer will be spent watching beautiful sunsets over the lake from my screened-in porch. And from there is where I will write to my heart's desire about all of the things, good and bad, that have brought me to this point.

Some would say that I'm running away, but that's not what I am doing at all, I am not running away from home, I am moving slowly, but surely — jogging if you will — back home, back home to where my heart is. If not this particular house, then another one at this lake, because this lake was quite literally my home for a number of years, so I am comfortable there… it will be a new, old place to call home.

Similar to, but not the same as, Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, I'm following the yellow brick road, not to see the wizard, but to go home… besides, everyone knows that "Nobody gets in to see the wizard, not nobody, not no how!" (The Wizard of Oz, MGM, 1939)
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Flights of fancy into the depths, or…
03.24.07 - 12:04 pm (CT)
In this little life of mine there are some days that seem, well, rather dark, but most show promise for a lighter existence. Today, no, actually this week has been one of ups and downs where, quite frankly, I feel like I'm back to being dragged up and down by forces that are not in my control, which makes for some rather cloudy days. I've been dealing with a person who gets off, who feels power, by taking others down to below their own rather low level, which is really nothing new to me, because I dealt with a man for the last 20 years who did the same thing, mostly to me, but also to others.

However, the current situation is a totally different circumstance, which means I had to deal with it in a totally different way. After contemplating what should be my reaction to their actions — yelling, swearing, putdowns, and threats — I opted for a cool, calm exterior while I was fuming on the inside, just aching to take them down verbally, but, realizing they were already about as low as one can go, I didn't bother. Later I had the opportunity to express my "concerns" with a mover and shaker in this particular instance, who assured me my status was in quo and that it would continue to be so.

"…I am, have always been, like the eagle who swoops and then soars — yes, I ride the winds of change like an eagle…"
That salved (no, I did not mean to use "solved") the immediate situation of what amounts to classic verbal and emotional abuse where the abuser tries to control his victim (Note: I did not say I was a victim, but the abuser considers me one, which is their problem, not mine.) with verbal assaults that are meant to hurt psychologically just as much as a punch to the face, but leaves no physical evidence behind for others to see. As for any future verbal attacks, well, one should be careful what they ask for, well, because I divorced the 20-year abuser, so…

All of that leads me, in a roundabout sort of way, to my question, not for you, but for me, is divorce a flight of fancy into the depths or, is it like the eagle, a flight not into the depths, but one of swooping then soaring to new heights? Of course, to soar to new heights, one must have been below to soar higher… And there's the answer to my question for myself, I am, have always been, like the eagle who swoops and then soars — yes, I ride the winds of change like an eagle taking the downdrafts as they come and then soar with the updrafts to newer heights.

BTW, my grandmother was right about sunshine coming after the inevitable clouds in life divorce and abuse are definite clouds in life that when faced like an eagle swooping and then soaring to new heights, it makes it so much easier to see the sunshine that is sure to follow.
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Lake homes and the thoughts that count
03.22.07 - 4:13 am (CT)
In the last week or so I've been traveling hither and yon looking at lake homes — yes, I'm still looking for my place on a lake — I've found some cute little homes, but the little part is what has so far stopped me from taking the plunge. I'm 54, have 54 years worth of stuff, and am not sure how much of my "stuff" I'm willing to part with — although, when I decide what of all of my accumulated stuff are not "must keeps", then, well, the "Post Divorce Sale" will begin.

The first thing I'm going to sell, probably on Ebay, is a huge pile of fishing equipment that is mostly tried and true, but some is still in the box, as in brand new, never used. As you might remember, I don't fish, so it was a no-brainer, as in no decision to make, on whether to sell the stuff… it's going, going, gone just as soon as I get pictures taken and descriptions written of the stuff, which is scheduled for this weekend. I imagine that after I get that 30 years of fishing equipment sold to the highest (reasonable) bidder, I'll have the gumption to sell everything else that is cluttering up my house and, some of it, my life.

One of the first things that come to mind, and it really doesn't take up that much space (but it's the thought that counts in life, right?) is 37 years of flower petals that used to be on display in huge cookie-type jars in my kitchen. However, for almost a year now, all 10 or so gallons of them, have been sitting in the crawl space, just gathering dust like so many other things that used to be part of my old life. I may or may not get much money for almost four decades of mostly rose petals that were meant to bring a smile to my face and now are just grim reminders of a love that was lost, but, once again, it is the thought that counts… and this thought is one that Im counting all the way to the bank.
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A delightful day to turn a most delightful 54
03.11.07 - 11:42 am (CT)
It is an absolutely gorgeous day here in Manhattan, IL. At the moment, the temperature is a pleasant 47°F, the sun is shining with hardly a cloud in the sky, and the Weather Underground forecasts a lovely almost-spring day for the entire area, which makes for a delightful day to turn a most delightful 54! So, here's a great big MindBlog

Post Divorce Sale… COMING SOON to a website near you
03.01.07 - 11:36 pm (CT)
I'm finally starting to go through stuff, as in memorabilia and other possessions of one kind or another, and when I'm done, I think I'll do exactly what was suggested I do with certain items that I was left with after the divorce… have an online "Divorce Sale". The person who suggested it, did so knowing that I not only had absolutely no use for some of the stuff, but also that the money generated by the sale could help payoff the massive debt I was left with.

Actually, other than the house, I have already paid off the debt, but the sale could help to replenish the source used to payoff the debt. Then later, when I have enough set aside, I would use it to payoff the house, so I would own everything I have — free and clear.

I have joked with family and friends about finding myself a benevolent billionaire who, without expecting anything in return, had a burning desire to payoff my remaining debt, but, like I said, I was joking. I've also had a recurring thought to setup some kind of "After the Divorce Fund", where those that would take pity on a "poor divorcee" might donate a buck or two to help me own the roof over my head, but that too is just a thought, and a fanciful one at that.

No, I'm determined to make it on my own, and I will… maybe with a book or two, because there's a still small voice that keeps telling me to "Write the book", because the truth will set me free. Yes, it will, and that is why I'm up before the crack of dawn… I'm writing!
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